Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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