Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
