let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
drinking out of a sandbucket again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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