so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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