Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Someone signed my nipple.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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