What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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