Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
