u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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