Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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