They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
