Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
