lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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