What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
