So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
