The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
