when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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