You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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