My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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