You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We were destined to go to rehab together
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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