I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
