It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Randomize
