i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
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