So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize