do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
