guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
