His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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