Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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