She's JV to your varsity
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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