Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
