New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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