then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize