I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
