I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
