I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
