Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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