You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
