Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
