at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
