I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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