My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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