dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
