im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
