Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
