im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
