my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I have so many feelings about this burrito
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
