I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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