I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
