We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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