Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't want my vagina anymore.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
