apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
