who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
