He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
