next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
