Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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