just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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