woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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