i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
