Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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