He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
