Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
