He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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