Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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